The Dress IV

What I am about to relate is, I’m afraid, hearsay. I don’t mean Kim Marsh and the bloke who looked like Shrek popped round to sing a song about The Dress. I mean that because I wasn’t there I have to rely on third party testimony i.e. Ella and Sarah.
So, they chose the dress. It was not the second dress they saw, or the third, or the twentieth. In fact they lost count of the number Sarah tried on. It was such hard slog Sarah said that it was a better work out that the thirty day shred.
Sarah was starting to panic after she went into one place and told the owner her wedding date. The woman gave a sharp intake of breath like just like when a mechanic opens the bonnet and gives you that little wince.
“It’s October, this year? Ooh you’ve left it a bit late my dear. If you want to have one made then you’re really cutting it fine, or there is one off the peg but there’s fittings and alterations…”
Sarah grabbed the first dress she saw and said “This will do”
Ella was the voice of reason. In her best Micheal Winner she said
“Calm down dear, there’s another shop down the road and it looks a lot nicer than this dump
Ella guided Sarah to the door as the owner shrivelled up her disapproving face. Ella smiled as they left and said.
“Tatty bye dear, we’re off now, come on Sarah, let’s go and find a proper shop.”
And the next shop was were they found it
I’m not saying Ella is the Ice Queen but if you ever stumble through some fur coats and end up by a lamp post in a snowy forest, don’t be surprised if you bump into our Ella in a sleigh (and don’t forget your Turkish Delight)
She isn’t without feelings, it’s just that if she was actually tasked with hiding her emotions, I reckon she’d do a better job of it than Penn and Teller.
So they walked into yet another bridal shop. The same racks of impenetrable gowns, the same over attentive staff. Sarah, by now looking rather bedraggled was on her last legs.
“I don’t think I can put on another dress today, I’m exhausted.
Ella was having none of it. “We are going to find you a gown if it kills you.
“Don’t you mean ‘us’?”
“Listen, its not me in a jam dearie, I’m sorted, ha!”
With those words of encouragement Ella plunged into yet another vast thicket of creamy chiffon and silk . She re-emerged with a dream of ivory. “Now, what about this?
“I’m not sure. “
“I’m sorry sis in law to be, but you really haven’t got a say in this process anymore. Now shut up and go and get this bastard dress on.”
Smelling a sale, the assistant dived into the rails and emerged with some tatty frock. Ella dismissed her with a cursory aside
“Don’t bother with those love, they wont suit.
“But these are new in.
“I’m not arsed. Put them back where you got them.
“The assistant reversed into the clouds of lace, chunnering to herself.
Then, from behind a curtain, Sarah emerged in the dress.
“What do you think? Ella?
Ella couldn’t speak. She was bereft, speechless.
“Ella? Are you…crying?”
And so it was that the dress was chosen. Silently, without words., Poor Ella the ice queen was reduced to sobs of girly joy. She clasped her hand to her mouth
“Oh…my…god….you look,….amazing! It’s perfect!
“Do you really think so?
“Does it feel as fantastic on you as it looks? Please say yes.
“Ella, do you know what?
The assistant and the owner plucked up enough courage to venture into their own shop. They nodded to each other, their professional eye confirmed what Ella had sensed.”
“What Sarah? What?”
“I’m saying yes to this dress!
“My brother is going to be in a heap when he’s sees this.”
“What the dress”
“No the price tag! Ha ha!
And there you have it. But what it looks like, what it’s made of, how its cut, how it hangs, its length, its fit, all of these things are as mysterious to me as are the stars in the sky, the secrets of the oceans and the inability of England to qualify for the second round.
I feel like one of those toothless swivel-eyed soothsayers who constantly updates his disciples with the date of Armageddon. “The end of the world is nigh! Er, you know when I said it was last Tuesday? Well I actually meant a week next Thursday.” Only my predicted date for The Revelation is indeed certain and cast in stone. The end of the great mystery will most certainly be 17.00hrs 25.10.2014.
Save the date…..
Until then, I’m afraid my loyal followers, we will all be in suspenders….


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